when she calls

i was pushed to the beach this morning. i was told to get into the ocean. i wanted to ignore the pull, just to have less time lost, but it was the most precious time i had all day. she spoke to me firmly and gently. i have a habit of not listening very quickly. why am i so resistant? why do i not want to follow her kind callings? she only wants what’s best for me. she only wants me in her entirety, in my entirety. she desperately wants to show me what it’s like to ebb and flow with the natural waves of this wily process.

yet when i hear her voice, i hesitate. i pull back. i want to make sure it all makes sense. i want to rationalize out of the uncomfortable things i need to do. ‘i don’t want to be responsible’ my lil’ ego thinks. but why not? doesn’t it feel really great to take accountability for yourself? to be my own biggest advocate is the most isolatedly liberating sensation. it is complete self-sufficiency. it is the fullness of stepping into my power. 

that feels scary. that feels like i could fail. i could fall. i could get hurt. who will help me then? when i am weak and the world has gotten me down?